i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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