I wanna bring you to show and tell
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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