Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize