i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
