I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
