just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
