I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
So apparently I’m into choking now
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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