its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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