I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Randomize
