Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize