Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
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