Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
