1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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