not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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