I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
