I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
