guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
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