Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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