were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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