I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
zippers are such a cool invention
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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