my phone needs a breathalizer
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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