So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
