Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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