Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
