I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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