i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
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