so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
We're too hungover to prance.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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