What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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