I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
