I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
