dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
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