Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
