Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
