I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
