I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
