please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
