a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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