I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
