so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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