Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize