the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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