Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
