I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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