We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
