Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
