If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
