I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
