I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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