Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Randomize
