I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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