This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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