I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
