Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Randomize