life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
