You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
When did angry sex become our thing?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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