there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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