on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize