My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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