when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Randomize
