i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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