Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
