my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
