They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
