in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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